I got a FREE 1 year subscription to Pink Sofa, a lesbian dating website! So fucking awesome! I can e-mail and chat with people-so fucking awesome! XD I was going through some profiles the other day and my heart just about stopped because one of them belonged to Lisa. Heh...it was 5 years old, LOL. I wanted to read it but if there was any way that she would receive an e-mail saying "so and so has viewed your profile" then I didn't want to. So I checked and checked until I was absolutely sure they don't send out those types of e-mails and viewed her profile without care. *sigh* I know it's going to take some time to empty my romantic feelings for her from the waste basket of my heart...but even though it doesn't hurt much, it's still annoying and I wish I could have instant gratification. I still find myself getting jealous over seeing her dancing closely with other women or excited if she touches me in any simple way (like the other weekend while we were at Savoy she touched my leg to get my attention to tell me that some of our friends had arrived). I continue to be the kindest, gentlest person I can be with her...partly because I'm a good person but perhaps mostly because I like hearing her approval. "You're sweet," she said to me at the BBQ when I went to find her a fork so she could eat her strawberry cake. I suppose I really would do anything for her-I know that sounds stupidly cheesy and perhaps a tad melodramatic, LOL. Maybe I just want to treasure this fleeting feeling a little bit longer...I'm talking all strange 'cuz I finally finished watching Wedding Peach (the TV series anyway), which has me chock full of "love waves." I wish I had someone to devote my love wave to. Ick, I'm all mushy-wushy now! Well...everyone's always calling me cute and nice so...for sure, there's a woman out there waiting for me! >.< Yo~~~shi!

Grr...still getting over my damned cold. This is the longest time I've ever been sick in a while! I can't sing cuz my voice still sounds like crap Though my throat is no longer sore...and my nose is still running...

Last night I dreamt that I was at my Grandma's house, which was apparently a job of some sort...and Okui Masami was my boss. But it was kinda like she was Monica (my old boss from Hancock), too. I can't explain it. The song "Taiyou no Hana" (Sunflower) was playing and I told my co-worker that it was our boss who
sang it. He was surprised.

I also dreamt that I was on the phone with Alex because I'd finally made it to New York. Ahh...next month! *jumps up and down with excitement*

Last weekend was a blast! Saturday there was Roller Derby in Blossom Hill to support the SVRG (Silicon Valley Roller Girls) after which was the Sexie Party at Savoy. I met a few new people that night. They had it where you wore a glowing wristband. Yellow meant you were taken and green meant you were single. I danced with an older single woman for a while and we went outside to talk because it was pretty hot. She offered to buy me a drink but I'd already had a rum and coke and needed to be able to drive myself home without worry. We danced some more and then she had to go home to Santa Cruz. She invited me to her B-day party this month and I got her phone number. Strange how I always seem to go home with someone's number whenever I go to Savoy, but never when I go to Hunters, lol. But they're never anyone I'm interested in dating, just friends who I can hang with. Still, I'm happy that I'm meeting a lot of people.

Sunday was the book club meetup which was hosted at Ruth and Katrina's house. It doubled as a BBQ. I made a batch of 4 dozen cookies (strawberry and choco chip, choco chip, and carrot cake) which only amounted to 2 by the end of the night (which I gave to Akilah). Met a lot of cool people that night and also had some first time experiences. I finally got to have Grey goose and I drank a shot (of Grey goose + fruit juice) from between the
breasts of a woman named Griselda. Lisa was shocked when she discovered it was me that everyone was cheering at, because I was the last person she'd expect to have been partaking in such an action. "It sure didn't take long to corrupt you." she said. I told her that I've always been corrupted but it just took a while for that part of me to come out. A woman I met at the party invited us to her B-day this month which is S & M themed! I'm sooo looking forward to it! I just went to Hot Topic and bought a dress that I think will work for it (though it's not PVC or vinyl, it is pretty short though). I have a garter belt and thigh high stockings though I think if I get fishnets they'll be sexier. I've also got a choker with a chain that connects to a wrist cuff (which I've lost so I'm connecting it to my dress instead), and it has a bell, too! ^_^ I can't wait to wear this ensemble! When I save up a bit more I think I'll go to the local sex shop and buy a leather whip. Went to my first sex shop yesterday with my friend Aaron. The women there were very nice and helpful! ^_^

I've actually been sick these past 3 days. Still fighting it off! I'm sad I can't go to Hunters tonight. It would be no fun if I'm there sneezing all night...plus my voice is very hoarse and to even talk there you have to yell over the music and I need my voice to get better.

I was in Mitsuwa the other day wearing my rainbow triangle wristband and one of the employees asked if I was going to Great America. I told her no, and that I'd bought the wristband a while ago from Hot Topic. In two weeks Great America is having a Gay Day, which is what she was talking about. I'd love to go but I know
I just can't afford it. But it's okay because I have San Jose Pride to look forward to.

Gonna finish watching more Wedding Peach. Later!

So...last Sunday was the paper raincoat performance at Hotel Utah in Frisco. The bartender seemed to be kinda fond of me-she gave me a free cherry coke! And laughed her ass off when I ordered a burger and said I wanted it done "all the way." HAHA. She was nice. Met a nice couple there while I was waiting for Michele and Eric to show up. Performing before TPR were Alden and Kyler England, who started tears in my eyes when she warmed up with a cover of "Heart of the Matter" by Don Hanley. This woman's great! Her song "simple machine" stirred me up quite a bit as well. She has one of the coolest merch items ever: Kyler on a stick! Which is a catalog of all her music on a USB port that actually serves as a wristband! Looks like one of those armstrong bands. TPR was awesome as always and Alex motioned for me to come on stage and play tambourine! I made sure to remember to thank him afterward. "Did you have fun?" he asked, lol. Of course I did! Later I decided to play "Rough Cut" on piano and Vienna joined me, playing left hand while I played right and singing the harmonies. Later she and Alex played "right angles" together and then Alex started playing piano man and one of the bartenders at that time started singing somewhat terribly along and we all couldn't help laughing. After that someone put the song on the jukebox and Vienna asked if I would waltz with her. So awesome!

I finally told Lisa how I feel yesterday. I called her up to apologize for leaving the bar early the night before. I thought she would be mad because I know how sensitive she is but she said she knew I had to get to work early the next day but she asked if something happened that made me upset. I told her I couldn't talk about it and she promised to keep my secret but didn't want to pry but was curious. I breathed a sigh. "You really wanna know the truth?" I asked.
"Yeah," she answered. "I wanna know the truth."
"I was jealous because you were spending a lot of time with that one girl..."
"Oh...! I don't know what to say...."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make things awkward."
"Well, I met her once before so we were just dancing. It wasn't anything more than that."
"Oh, okay...."
"I don't know what to say..."
"I'm sorry. I just finally had to say something..."
"Well, thanks for being honest with me."
"You're welcome...!"
"I enjoy talking with you and spending time with you but I've never seen it as anything more."
"Ah. That's cool, I just thought you should know..."
"I'm flattered."
Then we talked about various things, mostly involving the group and upcoming or past events. In the middle she asked me what I saw in her and what type of women I prefer, lol. I let her know that I thought she was nice, that I thought it was awesome we both liked Shane, that we both can't dance, that I like talking with her...and that I like butches and femmes but tend to go for older women. She asked me why and I said it might be because I grew up without a Mother and want that maternal comfort. *shrug* I wasn't devastated or upset...I felt relieved and calm and happy that I got everything off my chest. I suppose it proves I was ready to tell her, and I couldn't have asked for a nicer rejection. I feel slightly like we're a little bit closer, too.

I've spent most of today composing a piano version of a song I wrote a few years back. It's meant to be a rock song but I want to write out piano versions of all my stuff so that once I reach the level to be able to perform, I can play on piano at coffee shops or whatever.

Kay, gotta get going. Roller dirby time (I'm watching, not playing).

OMG today was another one of those BEST DAYS EVER!

Sharon (another VT fan I met at the Villa Montalvo concert) and I carpooled to Santa Cruz for the show. Upon our arrival we decided to get food and while waiting to cross the street I noticed Vienna with someone on the other side. Our intersections met at the sidewalk and I called to Vienna. Her hair was straightened, just as I was hoping because I'd seen a pic from a recent concert online and it looked like she'd had her hair straightened in it. We hugged and she introduced me to Ward, her new band-mate who plays violin and guitar. I introduced them to Sharon and we all went into this small restaurant for food. Vienna had noticed my Vienna Blue Caravan bag and said "I almost did something bad and was about to ask you "where did you get that?" lol. Ward got our seats. It was Ward, Vienna, Me, then Sharon from right to left. It was sooo great! It was so easy to talk to Vienna this time as opposed to others where I've been more on the star-struck side. It felt so natural today! Ahhh... I invited her to the Carnegie show. Amazingly when we'd all just about finished our food, Alex showed up. "Hey, I didn't know you were here!" he said upon seeing me. He came over to us, followed by Amber and another paper raincoat player. We moved to the other side which had more seating. Talked a bit with Alex, nervously. I told him I learned "rough cut" on piano and he asked if I'd told Amber. I caught glimpse out the window of Mr. and Mrs. Wong + Alex's auntie. They came in our general direction so all of us waved frantically hoping they'd eventually see us through the window. They did and joined us. I gave Mr. Wong the cookies and snapple as usual. He offered a cookie to the Auntie who asked where he got them and when he said they were from me Mrs. Wong said "She always takes care of him." *blush moment* Heh...I had given Sharon cookies too to thank her for driving and she said I'd make some guy happy. HAHAHHAH if only she knew... Vienna and Ward decided to head back and Mr. And Mrs. Wong and the Auntie (I think her name was Georgia) went across the street to a coffee shop I believe...I kinda wanted to hang with Amber but I got too nervous to say anything to her...so Sharon and I headed back to line up...I didn't want to worry about the seating though...didn't want to have to wait in that line...we saw someone through the back door (when we first ran into Vienna she had said we could go through the back where paper raincoat was having soundcheck) so I thought maybe she wouldn't mind if we wanted to go through the back so we could get good seats. We walked towards the back door and Vienna came back out to the tour van to get something and as we approached her this group of kids from Piedmont Hills started coming in the same direction. I heard one of them freaking out over the fact that they'd just seen Vienna right there. "There she is!" I heard her say. I carefully made my way to Vienna and asked her if it was okay if my friend and I entered through the back and she said she would ask for us. She went inside, the piedmont kids left to get in line, and then she returned and said it was okay. However, since Sharon didn't have her ticket already she had to go to will call to get it so I just saved her a seat in the front. Saved seats for the Wong family too. They ended up sitting elsewhere with some friends but Mr. Wong thanked me for saving them seats anyway. The show was awesome! And I got my chance to play an instrument! Michelle said she went on and on about it to them after what happened at the last show we were all at where she thought that tambourine was rightfully mine to play haha. Sure enough Alex asked for help from an audience member again and he eyed me while saying it! I was thinking "holy shit! He specifically wants me to go up there?" I walked up and so did another person, so we played the tambourine together and then I heard Alex say to me "Hold on a moment!" and he went to go grab another instrument for me. Some hand-held thing that had the same kinda shakers (?) a tambourine has. We had so much fun! The girl who came up to play with me was really cute and had short hair...I wondered to myself if she was a lesbian.... Anyway, when Vienna came on she was great! Did most songs from Inland Territory. She forgot the words while singing a part of "Recessional" from the 3rd album and it was so cute! ^__^ After the show I ran into Vienna's Mommy ^__^ and I frantically searched for Amber, asking the others if they'd seen where she went. Someone mentioned she might be upstairs...so after running into an Alex who was drinking red wine, and after having given Ward his share of cookies (which made him happy since he had some strange vegan ones earlier that did not satisfy him), I carefully ran up the stairs where I found the men's bathroom and a green door, which I knew had to be where the band was keeping their stuff. I opened it shyly and greeted Ward again, who acted like it was no big deal I was up there. Amber was on the phone...so I tried to talk a bit with Ward while waiting. He went downstairs to go help unplug stuff...and I patiently waited for Amber to finish her phone call. That room had the coolest chair and I should've taken a picture! It was blue and beige and had white flame outlines drawn on it! Hella cool! Well not drawn but you get what i mean. So...Amber got off the cell and walked over to me-she'd been making plans with another musician.
"I hope it doesn't seem like I'm intruding..." I said. "I'm sorry!"
"No, no!"
"This is for you!"
"Oh thanks! Can I see what it is right now?"
"Yeah, go ahead! Umm...my choir is performing at Carnegie Hall so I wanted to invite you...!"
"Oh kewl! Thanks!"
She took out the sandwich (which I'd wrapped in a napkin).
"What's this?" she asked.
I watched her examine it for a while before asking
"You know what it is, right?"
Her eyes lit up.
"No way! This means you've tried it, right?"
"Yeah, it was good!"
"Thank you so much! This made my month!" She gave me a hug. Ah...I was so fucking shy! BTW, it was a peanut butter and grape sandwich, something she invented. I thought she might like one cuz what are the chances she's had one lately? She said it was sweet of me. I told her how great the show was tonight and she mentioned meeting really nice people. I told her that she and the others are really nice, too, and how they're so humble and don't let things go to their head and I think it's great. Told her I'd be at tomorrow's show and she gave me a hug before wishing me a good night. This is the 2nd time that I haven't asked her for a picture because I was too shy. Was never too shy for pictures with the others. Oh well..after that I decided to visit Vienna at the table where she was giving autographs. I gave her the cookies as usual, which she's always happy to have. Asked her to sign my Cd and thanked her for letting my friend and I have dinner with her and told her it was a great show and how much I loved grandmother's song and asked about the looper...then I ran out of stuff to say so just said I'd see her around. I said goodbye to everyone, but realized I hadn't said goodbye to Alex by the time Sharon and I got outside. Oh well...I'd see him the next day. Forgot to get his number, too! So...I read what Vienna had signed as we waited to cross the street: For Shana, beautiful and talented. I awwwed and said she was sweet. I love that woman, I really do! ^________^ *happy sigh*

K, i gotta go sleep cuz I barely got any sleep last night...went out to Savoy with Lisa and Akilah but will give more details next time.

OMG tonight was fucking crazy!

I drove to Milpitas for Karen and Leonna's party at calskate. I was the first there (even before the Birthday girls) and felt so out of place and alone. I started freaking out...and texted Akilah to see if she was coming-said she was about to get on 280. Eventually I saw Leonna, Karen, and Lisa, and felt more at ease. Discovered that Lisa and I are the same shoe size! At least when it comes to skates I guess...Well, we were both nervous about skating because she'd never skated before and I hadn't skated since I was little. It was very awkward but we got out there. After an hour and a half there some of us drove over to Savoy in Santa Clara. I had no idea I was going to be in for such a crazy time!

I spoke mostly with Lisa (duh)-there were a lot of people there we didn't know, Leonna's friends who showed up later. She divulged some secrets with me and I was really happy when she said "You know what I think is funny? That most of the people here are twice your age but aren't as mature as you are." I felt so fucking flattered! I'm glad to know she thinks I'm mature. I wasn't going to drink that night but I saw Karen get a Bob Marley and I finally had to try one. Good shit! It fucked me up though cuz i'm such a lightweight! I drank so much water after that and tried my hardest to sober up! I danced with Lisa, Akilah, some of our friends...and I got to know a LOT of new people! Met this girl named Monica and her friend Barbara who used to own Savoy, and their friend Pam. Monica said I was beautiful and then she and her friends were going on and on about how cute I was and my being a baby dyke and how I looked like one of their friends, but was hotter (so said Monica). I danced with Monica a bit and she mentioned that she doesn't get to dance with a younger hot chick very often. I felt hella flattered. Never been so accepted by so many people at once. It felt good! It was like everyone was flirting with me...I had on red lipstick and Monica commented on how my lips were still red and asked how I did that. This one woman touched my face trying to figure out if the hearts on my cheek were a tattoo but I swore it was eyeliner. And then...something amazingly crazy and freaky happened. Pam was starting to hit on me, a lot. She kept telling me how beautiful I was and how it sucked that she was older and how she wanted to kiss me so bad. She looked me right in the eyes...and grasped the sleeve of my hoodie in her left fist. She was so close to me, so close to kissing me...I almost wanted her to...but I'm crazy about Lisa and it woudln't have felt right. But this is everything I wanted, right? An older woman to notice me and not care too much that I was young and want to make out with me. Here was my chance...and I hella fraeked. I kept putting my head down and saying that I was shy and nervous and never had anyone talk to me like she did before...she started running her hand on my shoulders and arm. She said "I wish I knew how to make you feel better." She looked at me with such...passion. She ran her hand slowly up my right side, just beneath my breast...in all honesty, my body was going crazy in that moment. I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them she was closer...right in my face...she could've kissed me. At that point I almost let her...but I stopped myself. I tried to ask her if I could get to know her better and for her phone number but she just looked at me. :/ We did end up dancing a bit after that...and then I decided I had to head home, since Akilah and Jennifer were going to be leaving and the bar was closing anyway. Making my way outside I awkwardly told her that I guess I'd see her around...she said "You know you're better off without me, right?" I wanted to be gentle and say that it's not necessarily true...cuz I like older women for some reason...I mustered out an "I dunno..." and hugged her not knowing what to do. She told me that I'd find someone really good for me, for sure, because I was so gorgeous. I felt her lips against my cheek and neck, kissing me thrice...perhaps more..it was a repetitive motion. She and some of the others talked about getting burgers once we got outside but I said I had to go home...she and Monica started pulling on me to go with them and it freaked the shit outta me! Especially cuz when this one woman agreed to go and Pam said she was in love with her, and then Monica said it was up to that woman's husband...and then we introduced ourselves to each other and he started talking about how pretty i was...it started to get really creepy. Especially since Pam was talking about going in my car and she walked over to the passenger side...Jennifer seemed to motion me to come over to her as she was in her car...I went to her and pleaded "help me por favor!" She asked if I wanted her to walk me to my car which was practically right in front of hers, lol...and then she tried to get me in it as fast as she could. Asking me where my keys were...Pam was right there and said "nobody's stopping her from leaving." Jennifer said "I know, but..." trailed off with something I don't remember. She opened my door for me though and hugged me (which I assumed was her way of blocking for me). I was so thankful to be able to drive home. Ah...it was crazy...motherfucking crazy! >.<

Still, what an awesome night!